Somebody's Knocking...Should I Let Him In?

I'm establishing 2 businesses right now (yes, while going to grad school and completing my internship...oh, and eventually sanding and painting another cabinet door). In the course of growing my businesses, I've encountered a remarkable number of folks who've been cheering me on, encouraging my steps and looking for ways to partner with me. Last week, I had a meeting with a few folks I believed to be my most ardent supporters. We had an energetic session and I walked away feeling like Superman walking away from the Hall of Justice. [I did my research to make sure that reference is accurate so I don't lose readers who can't resist the urge to say things like, "It's the LEAGUE of Justice. Sheesh!" or "Batman was the head of the Super Friends, not Superman. Ridiculous!"]

While conducting my research, I learned that the "Super Enemies" lived in a parallel universe and met in the "Hall of Evil". Get this! The Hall of Evil looks exactly like the Hall of Justice...except for a gargoyle over the door.

After the day I had today, I feel a bit like I went to bed in my spaceship last night floating dreamily through the galaxy, woke up and walked into what I believed to be the Hall of Justice...only to discover I was actually in the Hall of Evil surrounded by Super Enemies!

I don't think it's too much of a stretch to say SUPER Enemies. Let me explain. Tonight, I had a conversation during which I actually said the following: "I pulled away because I didn't know how to tell you how I was feeling. The kind of partnership you were asking for is too intimate for me. I'm not comfortable creating a situation where we are legally bound to one another. I'm in a business partnership with my best friend of over a decade and we still treat our relationship like a Faberge' egg. We know how volatile this legal arrangement is. We are actually having to file our taxes together. I'm just not comfortable adding a third person to that mix. And frankly, I'm not sure I'll ever be that comfortable."

Can you spot the key words and phrases that, from my perspective, denote giant stop signs that I expect my listener to respect?

How about: "I pulled away," "too intimate," "I'm not comfortable," "bound," "Faberge' egg," "volatile," "legal arrangement," "actually having to," "not comfortable," "not...ever...comfortable"? Where I'm from, just one of these little dynamos would be enough to raise the hair on the back of your neck and make you take a step back. In this case, I gave my "ardent supporter" no less than TEN (10) blaring warning bells. I wasn't subtle. I took total blame for having been subtle before and intentionally (and painfully, I might add) forced myself to lay out exactly how I felt.

OH! I almost forgot this part:

"I get physically uncomfortable and feel myself tense up when you talk about a partnership. I actually tighten up all over and think 'please stop saying that.'"

OK....so I really, really, REALLY didn't mince words here. I said, "PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT!"

After my heartfelt words, SE seemed to stop the pursuit. His irritation-turned-pout actually turned friendly again and I began to relax. Finally! After months of trying to relay this message, I began to feel myself sitting straighter in my seat. At one point, I realized I was almost towering over SE as I'm quite a bit taller than he (even sitting down) and sitting fully erect possibly for the first time in decades. I felt great! Another Superman-leaving-the-HOJ moment. Life was good!

As we began to wrap up the discussion and move toward the door, SE asked, "So what are we going to do about a phone so I can print my business cards?"

If I were a cartoon wolf, this is the point where my jaw would drop 12 inches to the table, my eyes would bug out of my head, my bowtie would start spinning and steam would shoot out of my ears. INCREDIBLE! So...when I say, "I hate this idea so much I'm physically sick about it!" your response is, "Great! When can we get started?"??? What kind of planet is this? This is clearly NOT the Hall of Justice! In a Hall of Justice, deep seeded concerns and bravely confessed inner fears are met with compassion, respect and, if nothing else, a modicum of back-the-hell-off.

After the meeting, I got in touch with my ACTUAL business partner and relayed the story. The incident had been so completely impossible I needed to tell someone so I could get outside of my swirling head long enough to really see what had happened. As she listened to my tale and let out a loud guffaw of disbelieving laughter at the business card comment, I relaxed a little. At least I wasn't the only one who thought his response was insane. That's when the song I loved as a kid started playing in my head:

"Somebody's knockin'. Should I let him in? Lord, it's the devil. Would you look at him? I've heard about him but I never dreamed he'd have blue eyes and blue jeans."

Though no blue-eyed, blue jean clad characters have darkened my door recently, I've been feeling the distinct presence of something dark in my life fighting really hard to tear me down. Now before you call the paddy wagon...I'm not hearing voices or seeing spectres reaching out to me from the darkness. I have, however, felt like the stronger I get and the harder I push to make my transformation the more times I seem to encounter soullessness. That's what the conversation felt like - like I was talking to someone with an inability to hear or understand the pleadings of my soul.

My ACTUAL business partner has met SE before. So she struggles as much as I do to believe that this guy is really evil. Frankly, we both like him very much and we want to believe that he must simply be misguided...not plotting against my soul. That's when she said something ominous without even trying: "Well, maybe he didn't intend to come across the way he did. Let me play DEVIL'S ADVOCATE for a minu..."

We both paused for a moment and then started to laugh...an honest but somewhat uncomfortable laugh. The way you would laugh if you found your cat playing with something only to realize it was actually a squirell's head. It's a feeling of shock, horror, an unreasonable need to laugh and a sick feeling you can't shake.

So what do you do at this point? How do you behave if you're starting to wonder if the actual devil is putting his nasty little fingers in your life? I deeply and honestly believe that the closer you get to making real and lasting changes for the better, the harder the devil fights to tear you down. All he has to do is stop your progress. He doesn't have to ruin you. He just has to stop you from growing. Then you'll stagnate and rot in your feelings of doubt, defeat and fear. What he might not have realized was that I noticed my spine straighten in the middle of that exchange. I didn't let that moment pass without taking note of how authentic it felt for me to sit up straight and establish a boundary I desparately need to feel good about this business and myself. As a matter of fact, I didn't just like the feeling of straightening up...I loved it! I'm keeping it. I haven't slouched yet.

My ACTUAL business partner and I decided that prayer was answer #1. So tonight I prayed for guidance, revelation and protection as I continue to grow. I searched the Bible for clues on how to deal with the situation. I was stunned to find "keep your mouth shut" jumping out of the text at me over and over again.

So, my dear readers, I continue this journey with a great deal more caution and reserve as I realize that I'm a valuable commodity and there's a battle going on to claim me. What about you? Have you figured out how much you matter yet? Do you pay attention to those times when you want with all your heart to make a change in your life but seem inexplicably incapable of doing what you truly want to do? You matter. You're incredibly valuable. And you're not imagining those forces.

Call on your Super Friends. Head back to the Hall of Justice. Share your struggles in the comments section. Talk to us about what you've faced in the past, what you're facing right now, or what you're afraid you'll face if you even start to try.

It's time to suit up, Super Friends! The battle's on.