Under Construction: One, Two, Three, Four...I Declare Soul War!

Did you know there once lived a man who actually, physically wrestled with God? I'm not making it up. Read for yourself (Genesis 32)!

A friend casually referenced this story in a conversation a couple of weeks ago and I was incredulous. Naturally, I asked if he was making that up. I mean what else do you say when someone tells you a man wrestled with God...and WON! My friend suggested I read the chapter for myself. I thought I should and promptly forgot about the conversation. (Look, I'm trying to change, but these things don't happen overnight!)

So a couple of days after our conversation I was listening to the book on tape I've mentioned before (Ruth Graham's In Every Pew Sits a Broken Heart) and she referenced the same story. I have an understanding with God that I am slow to learn and need clear, repeated and not-so-subtle clues when He wants me to do something. At the time, I thought, "Oh ho! I think God wants me to check out this story." A week later (still hadn't read the story), Ruth referenced it again.

"Ok!" I thought to myself...and probably said out loud since I was sitting alone in my car in the parking lot of a Skyline Chi li listening to the end of the book before going in to feed my craving for cheese coneys and a 3-way. [I'm not a pervert. Look it up! Skyline Chili 3-way]

So last night, after finally finishing Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God, I decided it was time to get out my Bible and figure out why God wanted me to read this story.

Here's the Cliff's Notes version of the story:

Jacob (brother to Esau who tricked his father into giving him his brother's birthright by saying to his blind father, "I am Esau") had wandered the countryside manipulating folks, generating ill will with family members and generally sneaking his way to prosperity. Eventually, Jacob encounters his uncle's estate and agrees to stick around for years to earn the rig

ht to marry Rachel. In typical Biblical fashion, 20 years go by before Jacob is able to leave his uncle's place and when he goes he has acquired 2 wives (sisters at that), a ton of kids (by about 4 women) and lots and lots and lots of livestock. Jacob decides he is ready to leave town because his uncle keeps taking advantage of him, so Jacob and his entire clan set out to reconnect with the brother he cheated (Esau). Naturally, half way between a rock and a hard place (that is, half way between the uncle's place and the encounter with Esau), Jacob begins to break down. He's scared to death Esau is going to reject him - rightfully so. So Jacob sends wave after wave of bribe ahead to try to ease his brother's ire before they meet. Finally, Jacob is left alone. That's when the wrestling incident occurs.

Basically, we're told that a man (who is later revealed to be a pre-incarnate Jesus) wrestles with Jacob all through the night. As dawn approaches, God/Jesus decides it's time for the wrestling match to end. So with one touch he gives Jacob a hip injury that ends up lasting him a lifetime and tells Jacob it's time for the fight to end and for Jacob to let go.

BUT...and here's the interesting and important part....Jacob says he's not going to let go until God blesses him. Literally, he says, "I won't let you go until you Bless Me!"

Now THIS is a head scratcher!

First, seriously...a MAN wrestled with GOD? Did that really happen? How do I get my head around that??

Second, God eventually says that Jacob won the wrestling match. Again, I ask....SERIOUSLY?? How does that happen? How does a man defeat God? How does a man wrestle God?

Third, what in the world am I supposed to understand about this? Why is God so keen on me seeking out this story and reading it?

Given our recent history, I've become infinitely more comfortable actually talking to God. After the night of misery...which turned out to be the revelation of my sciatica, and after saying to God, "Ok! I give up. If you want me you're going to have to come get me because I don't understand and I'm not real happy with you"...after all of that, I've got a strangely calm feeling about asking Him frank questions. I just ask. I'm not trying to position my questions in the "proper" way (whatever that is). I'm also asking Him what I really want to know and telling Him what I really think instead of what I think I'm supposed to think.

SO....I decide to just ask, "What in the world? What do you want me to get from this?"

I began to research on the internet (I believe He will answer my questions, but I no longer believe the answers will come by my lying in bed waiting for Him to whisper the answers in my ear - now I'll do the research and trust Him to guide me to the answers). So I found an article that really explained what was going on in the story. I won't explain the entire article. It is very well written - and easy to read - so I suggest you read it for yourself. The link on "article" will take you to it.

Here's what I figured out:

Jacob was wrestling with God both physically and metaphorically. Jacob believed in God, knew God favored him (afterall, he has all those kids and sheep). What Jacob had been unable or unwilling to do was be completely authentic and trust God to take complete control of his life. I've been working really hard during this transformation to learn how to be authentic. So I was feeling pretty good about that. But the complete control thing was the part I really needed to hear.

At the time, I actually thought I had given complete control over to God. I had given up. I had started listening. I ask Him questions and talk with Him about my decisions. I thought I was getting it. So why did He make me listen to this story? What wasn't I getting?

I read through the story again and really zeroed in on Jacob's plea: "Bless me!"

Hmm...that feels a little familiar. Not sure I'm there yet, but I think that's the area that matters to me.

I read on and looked for God's response to Jacob's plea. Get this! God says, "What's your name?" [This is the part the article really helped me understand.] God didn't ask Jacob his name because God didn't know who He was wrestling all night long. (I mean, seriously, that would have been weird....not like wrestling with someone you know.) The article explained that God asked because Jacob was asking for a blessing...and the last time Jacob had asked for a blessing he used somebody else's name. Jacob claimed to be Esau when he asked for his father's blessing (Esau's birthright). Aha! Now we're getting somewhere. So God is asking Jacob for his name to find out if, after all the struggles and trials and running and manipulating, Jacob is finally ready to be AUTHENTIC. Is Jacob ready to accept responsibility for what he's done? Is he willing to admit that he's the jerk that caused so much trouble and pain? [Interesting to note that God lets *or makes* Jacob wrestle with it. No easy answers here!]

This is when I started to get the, "Hey, I think I might be that guy" feeling. Jacob was still holding on (literally and figuratively) for the same reason that I haven't been able to completely let go of control. He isn't sure if God will bless him! He isn't letting go until God promises to give him blessings, to give him the good things in life. Note, he doesn't cry, "Forgive me!" He isn't saying, "Wipe my slate clean." Jacob is asking for BLESSINGS.

I really let that sink in. What about me? What am I asking God for? What am I afraid of? Why am I not letting go?

I realized that I, like Jacob, have trouble believing that God will give me anything good in THIS life. I get the whole repent and have a good time in heaven thing. That's easy. What I want to know is if getting fully on God's team means I don't get to have any fun anymore. Do I have to give up the things I love? Do I have to give up people I love? Do I spend the rest of my earthly life suffering for the cause in order to show the world that I'm saved? Afterall, that's in there, too. The Bible clearly says you are going to suffer for Christ's sake. You are going to be persecuted. These aren't exactly the kinds of things you put on the campaign poster! No wonder non-Christians think this is a bum wrap.

I once heard that if a human had to wait longer than 10 seconds after flipping a light switch before the light came on he would never realize that flipping the switch turned on the light. If we're not able to wait more than 10 SECONDS for something as simple as a light, how in the world are we supposed to wait a literal lifetime before receiving any blessings? No wonder we see Christians wandering off the path so often. That's a REALLY long time to have to remind yourself that you're struggling now because eventually (and how long you have to wait is a complete unknown) you will get your mansion.

Now here I sit, realizing that I'm afraid God can't or WON'T give me the things in life that make me happy. I'm holding on to the reins, unable to completely surrender because I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I want to feel good. I want excitement, titilation, adventure, love - deep, passionate love- and sex! I love sex! I don't want to have to be a eunuch.

Will He come through for me? I don't deserve it. We both know that. Being forgiven means I've been made a clean slate - so in theory that should take care of it. But what if I'm wrong? What if it's all downhill from here?

I suppose....He did make Jacob the father of the Jewish nation. He changed Jacob's name to Isreal. That was kind of a big deal.

I know He has the power and the ability. I'm just not sure He has the inclination to bless me. School has been getting more exciting. Work is getting more exciting. I'm paying attention to the

little things and finding joy in something a simple as eating a salad. (Think about it next time you eat a salad: you are putting leaves in your mouth...and then they are going down your throat...until you have a stomach full of leaves. It tickles when you think about it!) It seems the next step is to believe that He can and WILL provide for my personal life, my intimate life with the same love and caring He has shown in the other parts of my life.