Anybody got a plunger?

I've been away for a while. This is what I've been dealing with...













Only the water at my house isn't clean!

Yes, folks, we have a blockage. To be more precise, a friendly Roto-Rooter man told me that for $2400 he could dig up and patch the hole that currently exists in the main sewer line about 85 ft. from my front door. I can tell you with certainty that it takes 8 days of conservative living to fill 85 ft. of sewer line to capacity. I can also tell you that there's only one way to know you've reached capacity. {See above photo...only imagine MUCH dirtier water.} I can also tell you that I don't have $2400.

My roommate, who has been an absolute blessing of patience during this whole fiasco, suggested we formulate some form of "Power Plunge" to blast through the sewer line blockage. I LOVE the idea. The City of Beavercreek? Maybe not so much.

Of course, the city used my call to the police to report an attempted break-in at my house as an opportunity to threaten to sue me because a piece of my fence had fallen under the weight of the snow and my pool was no longer properly secured. So maybe I wouldn't feel too bad if there just happened to be a giant sewer explosion on my street! I'm just certain they'd find a way to bill me for it. So we're on to find other solutions.

For those who wonder if God has a sense of humor, I offer up my current plumbing situation which just happens to coincide with my coming face-to-face with my own spiritual constipation. Oh...and I've had bronchitis. So I've literally had a life threatening blockage as the crud in my lungs has made it difficult to take in oxygen.

I'm finding relief of these personal issues is much less financially taxing than the plumbing problem but oh so much more expensive. To break through the spiritual and emotional blockage, I'm having to encounter and deal with all the "stuff" that I've carefully built up around my heart and mind. The mind stuff is the most surprising. Discovering that you keep people at bay because someone hurt your heart and you don't want to be hurt again isn't exactly a "Contact NASA! We've got news!" kind of discovery. Everybody has those kinds of protections in place. If you ever had a stupid boyfriend who decided he needed to break up with you right before summer because he was going to be working at the pool and there was a good chance the tramp in his neighborhood was going to be at the pool everyday so he needed to be free just in case she decided to prove her trampiness (and there was a good chance she was going to do just that), then you've wrapped your heart in bubble wrap and made sure that every boy since has paid the price for the lessons you learned from that first love. [Yes, Jason, I mean you!]

The most difficult blockage to break through are the stories I've built up in my mind to protect myself. See if any of these sound familiar (either because you know me and have heard me saying these things or because you've told yourself the same or something similar):

• I can't do this by myself. I need someone to help me.


• I prefer to work with other people. I don't like to work alone.


• I can't meet the demands that the "public" puts on me when I'm in a helping position.


• I don't know how to do it.


• I feel like it shouldn't be this hard.


• I know I've told former clients these things but somehow I can't seem to learn my own lessons.


• I don't really want to do it.


• I have all these great ideas. I just don't know how to make them happen.

Sound familiar?

Last week I had a MISERABLE night. I couldn't sleep. I had what I thought was gas pain, perhaps caused by dehydration (I had taken a LOT of cough syrup at this point and was desparately thirsty). I took all sorts of remedies for that problem (drugs, home remedies, prayer, you name it). The pain got so bad that I couldn't lie down for more than a minute at a time. The only way I found relief was to pace. I was also completely exhausted from having bronchitis and coughing til my muscles ached. I have never experienced another such miserable night.

Since I thought the pain was intestinal, I was doing everything I could to try to force the release of what I believed were air bubbles trapped in my abdomen. For hours, I stood in my bathroom wrapped in a sheet repeatedly falling against the wall trying to make something happen that would relieve the pain. I prayed for God to relieve my suffering. I prayed for sleep. I prayed for Him to stop the pain. I was furious that He wouldn't solve the problem I knew full well He had the power to make disappear without an ounce of effort on His part. I was furious that He would leave me there struggling, hurting, crying, calling to Him. I was especially perturbed because I'd been working through my feelings about Him (well, you know...you've read the earlier entry). I felt like I was putting all this work into our relationship and He wasn't even bothering to show up in my hour of need.

The next morning I went to the pharmacy. The minute the pharmacist asked, "How can I help you?" I fell to pieces. Her question reached the place inside of me that hurt the most. It was all I had hoped God would say to me all night long. It was exactly what I wanted to hear from everyone in my life. I wanted someone to help me. I was desparate for help. I was desparate for someone to stand beside me and do this whole life thing with me. I didn't want to have to live one more minute of one more day by myself. Afterall, I had done what I believed God wanted me to do. I admitted that I was powerless by myself. I admitted that I needed help. Isn't that the big fear we're all supposed to be fighting? The fear of reaching out and asking for help?

The pharmacist was lovely. She told me not to worry about the fact that tears were pouring out of my face like someone had knocked the cap off a fire hydrant. She didn't mind that my nose was running and my words came out with sobs as I gasped for breath and told her of my pain and asked for help. "Pedialyte!" She believed my self-diagnosis and suggested that a good rehydrating would give me the relief I desparately sought.

I drank nearly 2 gallons of Pedialyte. It's perfectly lovely stuff and if my problem had been dehydration I feel certain that Pedialyte would have done the trick.

I went home miserable, frustrated and convinced that God was done with me. I thought, as Ruth Graham once wrote, "Have I outsinned God's grace?" I was sure He had abandoned me and I was on my own. That's when I decided I might as well start solving some problems on my own since no help was on the way. I sat down at my desk, back still throbbing, and began to make phone calls. I called plumbers to get a 2nd opinion. Afterall, I still didn't have $2400. I called the mortgage company to talk about my current financial situation and the fact that their daily calls weren't going to help me come up with the January payment. I started facing every problem that I had been ignoring for fear that facing them was too much and I couldn't handle it.

Slowly but surely I began to feel better. My back was still hurting with that acute and agonizing pain that hadn't ceased for nearly 18 hours now, but I was feeling better. I was still coughing. The bronchitis hadn't let up. The plumbing was still overflowing. I still didn't have $2400. What was different? That's when I realized that I was feeling my own two feet underneath me. I was standing on my own. I wasn't lying around crying about how miserable life was and how weak and powerless I was. I was just handling it.

How irritating. So all my weeping and calling and crying to God had to be ignored because I was too stubborn or too encased in the stupid fear-filled self-talk to realize that I didn't need to be rescued? I had to be allowed to moan and wail and bellow about my complete inability to help myself before I would wake up and realize that leaning on God doesn't mean ignoring the natural abilities He has given me? How disgusting. I felt like I'd been flailing my arms and crying for a life guard only to discover that the water didn't even come up to my knees and all I had to do was stand up.

The back pain still persisted and I needed to find relief from the pain because it was something I truly couldn't resolve for myself. No amount of self-actualization was going to take the pain away. So I returned to the doctor who had prescribed the cough syrup that I believed had caused my dehydration and pains the night before.

"Sciatica!" he said.

"What?!?" came my incredulous reply.

"You don't have gas pain. There's no constipation. You have sciatica. It's a symptom of a more serious problem...which your regular doctor will have to help you discover and treat. But for now you need Vicodin."

"I'm sorry. WHAT?!?!?!?"

So I spent that entire night throwing myself against the bathroom wall, drinking olive oil mixed with orange juice, downing Mylanta and Gas-X and drinking gallons upon gallons of water to solve a problem I don't have?? Um.......MY PLUMBING ISN'T WORKING! That is to say the actual plumbing at my house is stopped up. This isn't exactly the time to discover that MY personal plumbing is not only working but is now fully loaded to work in overdrive. SON OF A *%&#$!!!!

So there I sat, having just realized that I've spent time, money, tears and physical pain trying to solve problems I don't even have. How can someone who is literally trained to help people discover their problems and work through them be so far off in her own diagnosis? Will I be denied my license if the Counselors Social Workers Marriage and Family Therapists Board discovers this major character flaw? Oh, wait. Does this classify as negative self talk?

I drove home, took 2 Vicodin and in 10 minutes was completely pain free. It was the most unbelievable shift from the unbearable emotional and physical agony I had felt for the last 24 hours to a feeling of pain free, energized, relieved bliss. I was stunned.

Why have I clung so tightly to the belief that I'm incapable? Why have I wanted so desparately for someone else to do everything with me if I'm perfectly capable of doing it on my own? Am I actually afraid of success? I always thought that was a cheeseball theory. Or am I afraid that discovering that I don't need to depend on someone else will mean that I never get to? Does being strong and independent mean that I don't get a spouse to share my life with because I have the capacity to handle it on my own? Do I have to be single because I can be? Do I get less of God's help because I need less of it? Will He leave me to struggle on my own because I can work it out? Does the squeaky wheel get all of the grease? Do those whiny, snivelly girls who act all dainty and helpless end up getting the men who want to take care of them? Does being strong and successful mean being alone?

As I floated in the sweet physical peace that Vicodin provided and grappled with the questions that the day's and week's experiences had raised, I decided to check the mail. My school loan had come through and the school sent me a check for the amount that exceeded what I needed to pay for classes. $1800. Or as I like to call it....75% of the way to sweet flushing freedom.

It's funny. Even though there's no water flowing around here, it sure does feel like I've just been given the world's biggest swirly!

Allegory of the Cave of my mind

"Last of he will be able to see the sun, and not mere reflections of him in the water, but he will see him in his own proper place, and not in another; and he will contemplate him as he is. "
~Socrates speaking in Plato's Allegory of the Cave

So much is happening in such a short period of time that I almost feel the need to write daily. I won't begin that habit because I don't want to overwhelm my followers (yes...both of you! LOL) and I don't want to create an expectation (even if I'm the only one who has it) of daily entries.

First, I've had a very odd sensation since I posted, "Hey, Thoroughbred, why the long face?" I found myself inexplicably drawn to talking with God. I have spent decades avoiding Him and putting off prayer until I felt too guilty to put it off any more...or going into prayer with a laundry list of "I know"s and "I want"s. I wasn't listening. I was pretty sure He wasn't listening. And I knew it should matter to me, but it only mattered that it never felt right. I felt like an outsider to a club with no idea how to find the secret door to even ask for entry. For these reasons, I was surprised to find myself eager to talk with God after that blog entry. It was as if I just needed to unload my grievances with Him before we could have an open dialogue. I still don't know exactly what He's doing or what He wants with me. I'm just going with the flow and accepting that I feel an urge to talk with Him. So I'm doing it and waiting to see what will happen next.

Second, today is the first full day without cable and KC (of KC Chronicles fame) went back to Cackalacky after a fun-filled weekend visit. I have some sort of horrible chest cold or pre-bronchial thing that a classmate was kind enough to bring to class last week. So I've been at home, wrapped up in various blankets, reading books, writing, researching, talking on the phone, eating, and occassionally thinking of what I could be watching on TV right now. I can tell you this has been the longest day I've experienced in a VERY long time. I feel like I've gotten a lot done and missed a lot all at the same time. I've found myself moving from task to task, unable to sit for much more than about 30 minutes at a time without looking for something else to do. I wonder if I'll get accustomed to the quiet and will eventually slow to a healthier pace...or if I'll go crazy and start hiding in the bushes and jumping out in front of oncoming traffic just to entertain myself. Again...remains to be seen.

Third, I've just taken a quiz I think you might find interesting. It outlines your character strengths. Here's the short version of my results:

Your Top Character Strength: Fairness, equity, and justice
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.

2nd Character Strength: Capacity to love and be loved
You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.

3rd Character Strength: Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.

4th Character Strength: Social intelligence
You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.

5th Character Strength: Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

I was a bit surprised when I saw that justice, fairness and equity were my top character strengths. I didn't realize those things were so important to me. I've always said you should never ask for what you deserve (aka "justice") because you might just get it. And as a believer in Original Sin, I'm not looking for justice. I want grace and mercy. Justice is what lands you in eternal suffering.

So now I'm left to wonder what this means. I care about justice, fairness and equity more than anything else? Is that one of the reasons I'm so disappointed in the world? Is the apparent lack of justice and fairness just bumming me out to the point that I'm stuffing myself with food I don't want and all other manner of self-medicating just to escape the miserable facts of life? Ugh.

This is going to take some digesting. Please share your thoughts and comments!
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ALSO, here's where you can find the survey: http://viainstitute.org/. Just click on the red "Take the VIA Survey" box on the right side of the screen. I'd love to see your results. Please feel free to share the short version of your results in the comments section of this blog.
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I just canceled cable.

Hey, Thoroughbred, why the long face?

It turns out, "just be yourself" is easier said than done. Especially when you've spent 36 years learning how to be in a world full of people who aren't always good to you.

I promised you in my first post that I would share the good, the bad and the ugly. Right now I'm feeling like a tsunami of the last two. I get in the mood to read "Women, Food and God." I start to feel all philosophical. I drive around town aimlessly looking for the best place to go to read and journal my thoughts because I'm miserable in my own house. I can't trust myself to sit in the beautiful new space I've created for myself in the den because I won't turn off the stupid television. I know I have a horrible addiction to cable, but I refuse to call and have them cancel the service. When I do read and journal, I am filled with amazing thoughts of how I can be different...how my life can be different. Then I fail. Again and again I return to the ivory leather-clad Poang chair I bought from IKEA with money I should have used to pay a bill or save for emergencies. I sit in that chair thinking of all the things I should be doing. I silently yell at myself to get up and do ANY of the hundreds of things I thought of while I was "in the mood for change." And I sit. I don't move. I hate mysef more and more by the minute. I'm disgusted that I can quit smoking, finish college, move alone to a new state, end an 8-year on-again/off-again disaster of a relationship...but I can't make myself do anything right now.

In addition to the utter disgust I feel for my stubborn refusal to move, I'm saddled with the anguish of knowing that I was following a diet plan that was working. Then two weeks of visiting from my folks (I love you and mean no disrespect) and I jumped off the wagon. I didn't fall. I jumped. I started the week saying I want to be careful of what I eat. Then I listed all the restaurants I wanted to take them to and spent hours talking about the amazing dishes I wanted them to try. So you jumped off the wagon, you say. Just get back on it, you tell me. Well...seems pretty freaking easy. Only I refuse to do it. I sit in that d#$& Poang chair and talk to myself about how easy it is to follow the program, how great I was doing at keeping track of my progress, about how wonderful it felt to see results EVERY SINGLE WEEK from the moment I started. I will talk to myself about how easy and smart it would be to just start again...as I walk to the refrigerator to get a snack and take it back to my chair.

But wait! I'm not reserving all the hatred for me. I'm blaming you, too. Suddenly I find myself filled with disgust for the people closest to me. I'm irritated by all the ways they made me act like something I'm not. They made me wear a mask to keep them comfortable. They made me suggest food as our only way to socialize. They made me worry about whether I was being too loud, too pushy, too brash, too me. I start thinking that the only escape is to wipe the slate clean. I'll just dump all my friends. I'll start fresh. That's what I did when I decided to quit smoking. I just ended all of the relationships I had with smokers. I cut those people and those activities out of my life completely. I walked away and never looked back. Ok...I looked back for a minute, but their clothes smelled so bad that I couldn't stand to hang out there anymore.

Oh, and don't forget God. I always say you should NEVER ask for what you deserve. I know that all people are sinners. I've made decisions in my life that are textbook one-way tickets to hell. I believe completely and fully that the only way for me to be saved is to believe in Jesus and to ask for God's forgiveness. That doesn't change the fact that last night...and right now...I'm more than a little pissed at His whole design. Why, on your own green earth, would you create me if you knew I was going to be a horrible sinner? Why would you make me so flawed? Why did you let one person after another after another hurt me? But worse...why did you let me hurt everyone else? Why did you unleash me on my friends and family? Why would you let someone like me near people who....well, near PEOPLE? I make horrible decisions. I'm selfish. I'm mean. I'm filled with rage when someone hurts me and I am quick to turn it on the next person I can find. (Just ask my little brother how he found out about Santa.) I've always said I was too afraid of you and too smart to ask "Why?". I guess at this point I'm so buried in my complete inability to make a single change in my life that I figure what do I have to lose? Not being mad at you didn't help. Maybe there's some rage I have to let out.

As a therapist you learn that anger is always a mask for another emotion. Anger doesn't just exist by itself. I think my anger is masking hurt. Why would you let doctors carve up my back when I was 5 years old while I screamed in agony? Why would you make me carry the scar of that pain for the rest of my life? Why would you let that sad, horrible deaf boy next door touch me? Why would you let the girl next door at our new house do the same? Why didn't you make me the kind of person who could say, "NO!!!!!" then? And why did you make me the kind of person who wouldn't say, "No." in my 20s? And why is "No" all I can say to myself now?

So here I sit. angry. sad. tired. hopeless. stubborn. beligerent. broken.

You win, Lord. I admit that I can't do a thing without you. I'm just not sure I'm willing to do anything with you just yet. I hope you're serious about that whole forgiveness thing. Cause I'm pretty sure I'm going to need you to forgive me for the way I feel about you right now.

You Can't Make a Cake Without Breaking a Few Yokes

The transformation has begun! Or the renovation. Or the "Great Uncovering". Or whatever you'd like to call it. As expected, things are a mess and the pain has already started.

Step 1 for the house renovation was to get the right tools and dismantle the kitchen. I have done just that. In an unexpected move, I actually went to the know-it-all guy at Lowe's with a cabinet door in hand and "let" him investigate the best plan of attack for my project. We (he) determined the best plan (sandpaper and paint). I bought the supplies and headed home.


I realized very quickly that to keep up the momentum - and prevent the usual mid-project melt down - I would need inspiration. So I quickly finished sanding one door, primed it and completely painted it. It looks fantastic!


Half way through sanding the 2nd door, my shoulders started to burn. That's when visions of the other 24 doors started to taunt me. I heard the familiar chorus of "WHY do I start these grandiose projects?" Thankfully, the pristine, newly painted reminder caught my eye and I settled down a bit. I reminded myself that there's no deadline. Afterall, my roommate is delighted there are no doors on the cabinets. He sees closing and reopening the same cabinet door as an inexcusable waste of his time and energy. I'm not having company any time soon - well none that will care if there are or are not doors on the kitchen cabinets. The only person who might raise a stink is ME. And complaining to me makes no sense since I haven't taken my own advice in decades.


So that brings us to the second part of the transformation - the renovation of ME.


I started, as promised, to read "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. I was startled and a little disconcerted to discover that her first message is (paraphrased) "There's nothing wrong with you. Stop trying to fix yourself." For a girl who just started a blog based on the comparison between her personal and home transformations, this was less than welcome news.


There's nothing wrong with me? Stop trying to fix myself? How is that even possible? If you'll recall, even teenage girls can tell you there is plenty wrong with me. And if there's nothing to be changed, why do I still have 208 pages to read?


I continued reading because I wanted an explanation for why I paid $24 for a book about NOT making myself better. As I continued, I discovered the 2nd message (paraphrased) "Live in the moment. Pay no attention to the mistakes of your past or the 'what ifs' of the future. You're missing what is happening right now." Hmm....that sounds oddly familiar. Oh, wait! "Give us THIS DAY our daily bread." Dang! She's right. It does all come back to God.


So I have to figure out how to get better without changing anything? My big quest for transformation requires me to stop going on quests? Then I read Geneen's words: "They can relate to the belief that if they keep themselves wounded and damaged, they will be loved." Uh oh. That's starting to ring some bells. I'm having flashbacks to every time I slowed myself, dumbed myself down, pretended not to know how to do something and tried to act casual to keep from spooking a guy.


I continue reading: "They fit in by hating themselves." Oh, crap! How often have I wanted to say, "I'm having a fantastic day!" only to catch the words in my throat as I make eye contact with a room full of women who are waiting for my tales of woe to confirm that I'm one of them? Enough times that having a tale of woe has become automatic. I don't have the flash anymore. I go immediately to my Complaint-of-the-Day.


Geneen's next question stops me in my tracks: "When you sense yourself directly, immediately, right now, without preconception, who are you? [...] The you who is not your past, not your habits, not your compulsions."


Hmm...


I'm suddenly remembering a relationship in which the guy I was dating repeatedly called me a Ferrari and talked about how much precision one needed to be in a relationship with me. I was mortified! I told him he was mistaken or perhaps I had shown him the wrong thing (afterall, it had to be my fault). I explained that I'm really very casual, low maintenance...breezy. Every magazine article and woman-centered self help book I'd ever read told me that it is VITAL for me to be "breezy". To show my guy just how little effort is required to be with me. To act like I'm hard to get. That, they told me, was the recipe for being the perfect girlfriend. That attitude was what would drive the boys mad and send them running after me, dying to be in my presence. The less they thought I cared, the more they'd clamour to my side. So I bickered with his assessment and after each conversation I worked harder to show him how available I was and how convenient a relationship with me could be.

I didn't realize that he wasn't criticizing me for being high maintenance. When I think back now, there was a sense of pride and titilation in his voice when he talked about the complexities of me. He wasn't griping because being with me was such hard work. He was showing off. Pointing out that he could handle me. He has the skills it takes to be with someone as discerning as I am.

Now that is an image I can relate to. I've been in relationships with guys who thought they could just start pushing buttons, grinding gears and stomping on pedals. The result: I whined and groaned and we went nowhere. When I tried to explain that the nuisances of communication would make our relationship a smooth and very exciting ride, those guys scratched their heads and looked at me like I was speaking another language.

To give another anology, I was like a race horse dating a Clydesdale. Both are perfectly fine animals with strengths, beauties, value. Yet, try to race a Clydesdale against a Thoroughbred and that big, clunky horse will wear out or lose interest. Likewise, yoke a Thoroughbred to a Clydesdale and that racing machine will go crazy. I can't slow myself down to go at your pace and you can't pick up enough speed to feel the power I feel when I let myself go. So I'm taking off the yoke. In intimate relationships, work relationships and friendships, I'm not going to try to be what I think everyone wants from me. I need to figure out who I am and how we fit...or if we don't.

My task now is to figure out how to be high maintenance without being a royal pain in the butt. I've seen a lot of strong, intelligent, independent women trying to show their strength but coming off as a shrew. You know the type. They used to call them "ball busters" until that term was deemed non-P.C. They come out swinging and showing their strength like men. They haven't mastered the quiet grace and elegance innate in truly powerful women.


So, I'm breaking the yoke. I'm questing without questing. Learning how to be myself and finding it unbelievable that it is so incredibly hard to stop faking it in so many areas of my life. I feel like I've woken up from a coma. How many years have I been away? How long will it take to bring myself back to life?


Here's hoping I can master it by our deadline of June 4th! :-)

Two apologies.

Dear KC (of KC Chronicles fame),

I'm writing to tell you that I owe us both a HUGE apology.

First, I will apologize to you. I consider you my best friend. You have been there for me and supported me in ways that nobody else ever has. I respect your opinions and I value your friendship. However, I have been remiss in my duties as your friend. You have talked about your Toastmasters speeches and I have supported you 95%. I say 95% because I never took the time to watch your "Break Up By PowerPoint" presentation until just now.

That brings us to my second apology. I would like to apologize to myself for waiting so long to enrich my life with that experience. I laughed out loud. I mean the kind of laugh that is sudden, unexpected and embarrassing if it sneaks out in public. You are HILARIOUS! Your presentation skills are phenomenal. I've always known that for 2 reasons: 1) we've met. and 2) you have trophies to prove it. That still doesn't excuse me from not taking the time to watch the presentation I just saw.

Fan-freakin'-tastic!

You remain my idol!

Thank you and I'm sorry to us both.
~MUC

Welcome to "Meredith Under Construction"

Welcome! This blog will "chronicle" (to borrow a word from the dear friend who inspired me to start this blog) my journey of self discovery and home renovation. I welcome you to join me for the transformation. I encourage you to pray for my success. Please do NOT pray that I receive patience. Patience comes through tribulation and frankly I've had quite enough of that.

In addition to the inspiration I received from my friend's fantastic blog (KC Chronicles - be sure to check it out!), I was "inspired" by a recent experience in a counseling group. I am currently a Counselor Trainee serving in a community mental health facility. [NOTE: This blog is NOT to be considered a source of professional advice or guidance. It is for entertainment purposes only. If you have a real mental health emergency, please contact your local community mental health facility. A hospital is a good place to receive help if you are not familiar with the location of your nearest mental health facility.]

Now back to our story:

I host a group for teen girls to discuss life, struggles, growth and things of that nature. The group is fantastic. The girls are amazing. They are also VERY honest. Recently, we were playing a game in group during which we each had to answer questions on cards drawn from a deck. I drew the question, "What are 2 things you want to accomplish in your lifetime?"

I quickly replied, "I want to start a counseling center I call a 'Life Support Center' [more to come on that later] and I want to get married."

Two girls simultaneously and with great horror in their voices hollered, "You're not married?!?!?" Subsequently, one of them added, "Aren't you like 40 or something?!?"

I was stunned. I won't go into details about the personal journey I had to take in that moment to control my reaction, think like a counselor, determine the lessons I needed to teach them and the patience it took to calmly reply in a way that was both helpful to them and not hurtful to them. [See how I don't really need that patience prayer?] I will instead talk about the aftermath of that experience.

After realizing that my secret fears are justified because society does, in fact, see me as an outcast and a loser for being 36 (NOT "40 or something") and unmarried, I decided I have some personal work to do. My brain gave voice to the questions I was sure those teen girls were dying to ask:

• Why aren't you married?
• What's wrong with you?
• Doesn't anybody love you?
• Are you completely alone?
• How do you survive like that?
• Why doesn't anyone want to be with you?
• Do you even love yourself? Everybody says you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. Maybe that's your problem. You don't even love yourself.

Now, friends, I can tell you that when your own brain asks you if you love yourself you realize you have a real problem. That brings us back to the reason for this blog. I began to realize the more someone professes his love for me, the more I struggle with trust issues. My mean-spirited brain was right. Stupid honest internal dialogue. I don't love myself. Frankly, I've always thought the concept was a little hokey. Normally I would think, "so what." But I'm beginning to realize that this little character flaw is affecting my relationships. I don't feel loveable, so I don't trust someone who claims to love me. There must be something wrong with a person who can truly know me, know my life story and still choose to love me. Either he wasn't paying attention when I told him the story so I need to spend a lot of time showing him all of my worst traits until he recognizes the truth. Or there is something wrong with him and I need to be cautious until I discover his deep dark secret.

How depressing, right?!?

Well, I'm not stopping there. I'm just beginning. I've decided to begin a journey of self discovery to see if I can get to a place where I can honestly say I love myself. Step 1: stop chuckling to myself about how stupid that sounds. Step 2: figure out how the heck you learn to love yourself. How does that even happen?

I've decided to tie my personal renovation to my home renovation. I'm reinventing the space I live in - both personally and environmentally. The best way I know to remake a space is to start by tearing down the old, stripping away the worn out bits, cleaning off the years of accumulated crud and at least make the outside look good. So...I've taken down all the cabinet doors in my kitchen and I'm sanding them down one at a time, repainting them and giving the kitchen a much needed facelift. For the personal transformation, I've watched about 200 hours of "What Not To Wear" and I'm teaching myself how to dress for the life I want. What? It's a start. It may be purely cosmetic, but it gives me something to work toward. Without a visual reminder, I'll give up half way through this project. I promise.

I'm also reading "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. I'm hoping it will help me discover the deeper internal damage - the same I'm sure to find as I rehab the house.

So....I promise that most entries won't be this long. I promise to be open and honest and share what is really happening with my transformation - not just the pretty parts that make me look good. I also promise to have an Open House when I'm done. I'm shooting for June 1st (although that's a Wednesday, so I may opt for June 4th for convenience sake). I invite you to join me that day to see the big reveal (location to be announced closer to the actual date).

I look forward to reading your comments. Please don't forget those prayers - I'm going to need them. And seriously...I'll know if you pray for patience!