Allegory of the Cave of my mind

"Last of he will be able to see the sun, and not mere reflections of him in the water, but he will see him in his own proper place, and not in another; and he will contemplate him as he is. "
~Socrates speaking in Plato's Allegory of the Cave

So much is happening in such a short period of time that I almost feel the need to write daily. I won't begin that habit because I don't want to overwhelm my followers (yes...both of you! LOL) and I don't want to create an expectation (even if I'm the only one who has it) of daily entries.

First, I've had a very odd sensation since I posted, "Hey, Thoroughbred, why the long face?" I found myself inexplicably drawn to talking with God. I have spent decades avoiding Him and putting off prayer until I felt too guilty to put it off any more...or going into prayer with a laundry list of "I know"s and "I want"s. I wasn't listening. I was pretty sure He wasn't listening. And I knew it should matter to me, but it only mattered that it never felt right. I felt like an outsider to a club with no idea how to find the secret door to even ask for entry. For these reasons, I was surprised to find myself eager to talk with God after that blog entry. It was as if I just needed to unload my grievances with Him before we could have an open dialogue. I still don't know exactly what He's doing or what He wants with me. I'm just going with the flow and accepting that I feel an urge to talk with Him. So I'm doing it and waiting to see what will happen next.

Second, today is the first full day without cable and KC (of KC Chronicles fame) went back to Cackalacky after a fun-filled weekend visit. I have some sort of horrible chest cold or pre-bronchial thing that a classmate was kind enough to bring to class last week. So I've been at home, wrapped up in various blankets, reading books, writing, researching, talking on the phone, eating, and occassionally thinking of what I could be watching on TV right now. I can tell you this has been the longest day I've experienced in a VERY long time. I feel like I've gotten a lot done and missed a lot all at the same time. I've found myself moving from task to task, unable to sit for much more than about 30 minutes at a time without looking for something else to do. I wonder if I'll get accustomed to the quiet and will eventually slow to a healthier pace...or if I'll go crazy and start hiding in the bushes and jumping out in front of oncoming traffic just to entertain myself. Again...remains to be seen.

Third, I've just taken a quiz I think you might find interesting. It outlines your character strengths. Here's the short version of my results:

Your Top Character Strength: Fairness, equity, and justice
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.

2nd Character Strength: Capacity to love and be loved
You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.

3rd Character Strength: Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.

4th Character Strength: Social intelligence
You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.

5th Character Strength: Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

I was a bit surprised when I saw that justice, fairness and equity were my top character strengths. I didn't realize those things were so important to me. I've always said you should never ask for what you deserve (aka "justice") because you might just get it. And as a believer in Original Sin, I'm not looking for justice. I want grace and mercy. Justice is what lands you in eternal suffering.

So now I'm left to wonder what this means. I care about justice, fairness and equity more than anything else? Is that one of the reasons I'm so disappointed in the world? Is the apparent lack of justice and fairness just bumming me out to the point that I'm stuffing myself with food I don't want and all other manner of self-medicating just to escape the miserable facts of life? Ugh.

This is going to take some digesting. Please share your thoughts and comments!
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ALSO, here's where you can find the survey: http://viainstitute.org/. Just click on the red "Take the VIA Survey" box on the right side of the screen. I'd love to see your results. Please feel free to share the short version of your results in the comments section of this blog.
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You Can't Make a Cake Without Breaking a Few Yokes

The transformation has begun! Or the renovation. Or the "Great Uncovering". Or whatever you'd like to call it. As expected, things are a mess and the pain has already started.

Step 1 for the house renovation was to get the right tools and dismantle the kitchen. I have done just that. In an unexpected move, I actually went to the know-it-all guy at Lowe's with a cabinet door in hand and "let" him investigate the best plan of attack for my project. We (he) determined the best plan (sandpaper and paint). I bought the supplies and headed home.


I realized very quickly that to keep up the momentum - and prevent the usual mid-project melt down - I would need inspiration. So I quickly finished sanding one door, primed it and completely painted it. It looks fantastic!


Half way through sanding the 2nd door, my shoulders started to burn. That's when visions of the other 24 doors started to taunt me. I heard the familiar chorus of "WHY do I start these grandiose projects?" Thankfully, the pristine, newly painted reminder caught my eye and I settled down a bit. I reminded myself that there's no deadline. Afterall, my roommate is delighted there are no doors on the cabinets. He sees closing and reopening the same cabinet door as an inexcusable waste of his time and energy. I'm not having company any time soon - well none that will care if there are or are not doors on the kitchen cabinets. The only person who might raise a stink is ME. And complaining to me makes no sense since I haven't taken my own advice in decades.


So that brings us to the second part of the transformation - the renovation of ME.


I started, as promised, to read "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. I was startled and a little disconcerted to discover that her first message is (paraphrased) "There's nothing wrong with you. Stop trying to fix yourself." For a girl who just started a blog based on the comparison between her personal and home transformations, this was less than welcome news.


There's nothing wrong with me? Stop trying to fix myself? How is that even possible? If you'll recall, even teenage girls can tell you there is plenty wrong with me. And if there's nothing to be changed, why do I still have 208 pages to read?


I continued reading because I wanted an explanation for why I paid $24 for a book about NOT making myself better. As I continued, I discovered the 2nd message (paraphrased) "Live in the moment. Pay no attention to the mistakes of your past or the 'what ifs' of the future. You're missing what is happening right now." Hmm....that sounds oddly familiar. Oh, wait! "Give us THIS DAY our daily bread." Dang! She's right. It does all come back to God.


So I have to figure out how to get better without changing anything? My big quest for transformation requires me to stop going on quests? Then I read Geneen's words: "They can relate to the belief that if they keep themselves wounded and damaged, they will be loved." Uh oh. That's starting to ring some bells. I'm having flashbacks to every time I slowed myself, dumbed myself down, pretended not to know how to do something and tried to act casual to keep from spooking a guy.


I continue reading: "They fit in by hating themselves." Oh, crap! How often have I wanted to say, "I'm having a fantastic day!" only to catch the words in my throat as I make eye contact with a room full of women who are waiting for my tales of woe to confirm that I'm one of them? Enough times that having a tale of woe has become automatic. I don't have the flash anymore. I go immediately to my Complaint-of-the-Day.


Geneen's next question stops me in my tracks: "When you sense yourself directly, immediately, right now, without preconception, who are you? [...] The you who is not your past, not your habits, not your compulsions."


Hmm...


I'm suddenly remembering a relationship in which the guy I was dating repeatedly called me a Ferrari and talked about how much precision one needed to be in a relationship with me. I was mortified! I told him he was mistaken or perhaps I had shown him the wrong thing (afterall, it had to be my fault). I explained that I'm really very casual, low maintenance...breezy. Every magazine article and woman-centered self help book I'd ever read told me that it is VITAL for me to be "breezy". To show my guy just how little effort is required to be with me. To act like I'm hard to get. That, they told me, was the recipe for being the perfect girlfriend. That attitude was what would drive the boys mad and send them running after me, dying to be in my presence. The less they thought I cared, the more they'd clamour to my side. So I bickered with his assessment and after each conversation I worked harder to show him how available I was and how convenient a relationship with me could be.

I didn't realize that he wasn't criticizing me for being high maintenance. When I think back now, there was a sense of pride and titilation in his voice when he talked about the complexities of me. He wasn't griping because being with me was such hard work. He was showing off. Pointing out that he could handle me. He has the skills it takes to be with someone as discerning as I am.

Now that is an image I can relate to. I've been in relationships with guys who thought they could just start pushing buttons, grinding gears and stomping on pedals. The result: I whined and groaned and we went nowhere. When I tried to explain that the nuisances of communication would make our relationship a smooth and very exciting ride, those guys scratched their heads and looked at me like I was speaking another language.

To give another anology, I was like a race horse dating a Clydesdale. Both are perfectly fine animals with strengths, beauties, value. Yet, try to race a Clydesdale against a Thoroughbred and that big, clunky horse will wear out or lose interest. Likewise, yoke a Thoroughbred to a Clydesdale and that racing machine will go crazy. I can't slow myself down to go at your pace and you can't pick up enough speed to feel the power I feel when I let myself go. So I'm taking off the yoke. In intimate relationships, work relationships and friendships, I'm not going to try to be what I think everyone wants from me. I need to figure out who I am and how we fit...or if we don't.

My task now is to figure out how to be high maintenance without being a royal pain in the butt. I've seen a lot of strong, intelligent, independent women trying to show their strength but coming off as a shrew. You know the type. They used to call them "ball busters" until that term was deemed non-P.C. They come out swinging and showing their strength like men. They haven't mastered the quiet grace and elegance innate in truly powerful women.


So, I'm breaking the yoke. I'm questing without questing. Learning how to be myself and finding it unbelievable that it is so incredibly hard to stop faking it in so many areas of my life. I feel like I've woken up from a coma. How many years have I been away? How long will it take to bring myself back to life?


Here's hoping I can master it by our deadline of June 4th! :-)