Hey, Thoroughbred, why the long face?

It turns out, "just be yourself" is easier said than done. Especially when you've spent 36 years learning how to be in a world full of people who aren't always good to you.

I promised you in my first post that I would share the good, the bad and the ugly. Right now I'm feeling like a tsunami of the last two. I get in the mood to read "Women, Food and God." I start to feel all philosophical. I drive around town aimlessly looking for the best place to go to read and journal my thoughts because I'm miserable in my own house. I can't trust myself to sit in the beautiful new space I've created for myself in the den because I won't turn off the stupid television. I know I have a horrible addiction to cable, but I refuse to call and have them cancel the service. When I do read and journal, I am filled with amazing thoughts of how I can be different...how my life can be different. Then I fail. Again and again I return to the ivory leather-clad Poang chair I bought from IKEA with money I should have used to pay a bill or save for emergencies. I sit in that chair thinking of all the things I should be doing. I silently yell at myself to get up and do ANY of the hundreds of things I thought of while I was "in the mood for change." And I sit. I don't move. I hate mysef more and more by the minute. I'm disgusted that I can quit smoking, finish college, move alone to a new state, end an 8-year on-again/off-again disaster of a relationship...but I can't make myself do anything right now.

In addition to the utter disgust I feel for my stubborn refusal to move, I'm saddled with the anguish of knowing that I was following a diet plan that was working. Then two weeks of visiting from my folks (I love you and mean no disrespect) and I jumped off the wagon. I didn't fall. I jumped. I started the week saying I want to be careful of what I eat. Then I listed all the restaurants I wanted to take them to and spent hours talking about the amazing dishes I wanted them to try. So you jumped off the wagon, you say. Just get back on it, you tell me. Well...seems pretty freaking easy. Only I refuse to do it. I sit in that d#$& Poang chair and talk to myself about how easy it is to follow the program, how great I was doing at keeping track of my progress, about how wonderful it felt to see results EVERY SINGLE WEEK from the moment I started. I will talk to myself about how easy and smart it would be to just start again...as I walk to the refrigerator to get a snack and take it back to my chair.

But wait! I'm not reserving all the hatred for me. I'm blaming you, too. Suddenly I find myself filled with disgust for the people closest to me. I'm irritated by all the ways they made me act like something I'm not. They made me wear a mask to keep them comfortable. They made me suggest food as our only way to socialize. They made me worry about whether I was being too loud, too pushy, too brash, too me. I start thinking that the only escape is to wipe the slate clean. I'll just dump all my friends. I'll start fresh. That's what I did when I decided to quit smoking. I just ended all of the relationships I had with smokers. I cut those people and those activities out of my life completely. I walked away and never looked back. Ok...I looked back for a minute, but their clothes smelled so bad that I couldn't stand to hang out there anymore.

Oh, and don't forget God. I always say you should NEVER ask for what you deserve. I know that all people are sinners. I've made decisions in my life that are textbook one-way tickets to hell. I believe completely and fully that the only way for me to be saved is to believe in Jesus and to ask for God's forgiveness. That doesn't change the fact that last night...and right now...I'm more than a little pissed at His whole design. Why, on your own green earth, would you create me if you knew I was going to be a horrible sinner? Why would you make me so flawed? Why did you let one person after another after another hurt me? But worse...why did you let me hurt everyone else? Why did you unleash me on my friends and family? Why would you let someone like me near people who....well, near PEOPLE? I make horrible decisions. I'm selfish. I'm mean. I'm filled with rage when someone hurts me and I am quick to turn it on the next person I can find. (Just ask my little brother how he found out about Santa.) I've always said I was too afraid of you and too smart to ask "Why?". I guess at this point I'm so buried in my complete inability to make a single change in my life that I figure what do I have to lose? Not being mad at you didn't help. Maybe there's some rage I have to let out.

As a therapist you learn that anger is always a mask for another emotion. Anger doesn't just exist by itself. I think my anger is masking hurt. Why would you let doctors carve up my back when I was 5 years old while I screamed in agony? Why would you make me carry the scar of that pain for the rest of my life? Why would you let that sad, horrible deaf boy next door touch me? Why would you let the girl next door at our new house do the same? Why didn't you make me the kind of person who could say, "NO!!!!!" then? And why did you make me the kind of person who wouldn't say, "No." in my 20s? And why is "No" all I can say to myself now?

So here I sit. angry. sad. tired. hopeless. stubborn. beligerent. broken.

You win, Lord. I admit that I can't do a thing without you. I'm just not sure I'm willing to do anything with you just yet. I hope you're serious about that whole forgiveness thing. Cause I'm pretty sure I'm going to need you to forgive me for the way I feel about you right now.