Under Construction
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Release the Dogs of War...and the Pain of Malpractice!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Excuse me...this is NOT what I ordered.
From Urban Dictionary: "blech"
A) a sound used to describe boredom, or mediocrite;
B) to find something wholly offensive as to want to throw up
to purge the sensation from the mind and/or body;
C) average
D) a superior form of blah
E) to feel gross, disgusting, depressed or icky
This mood caught me off guard. I've been feeling like a million bucks. Actually, I've been feeling like whatever makes a million bucks look at itself and say, "Dang. Guess I'm not such hot $%#$ afterall." I've felt invincible, smart, funny, energetic, with it, intriguing...heck, even sexy. So waking up Saturday morning and feeling like the whole world can kiss my newly appreciated #$% was completely unexpected! It was so unexpected that I went back to bed for another couple of hours. Finally, around noon, I decided I had to get out of bed. I went to the kitchen, made myself a sandwich, and sat down on the couch to play a little "Angry Birds" (stupid addictive game). TWO HOURS later I looked at the clock and felt miserable for wasting so much of my day. Especially since super-fantastic me had done such a bang up job of putting all my to dos on the calendar Friday night with little reminder alarms that kept going off. At 2:30p, I finished "Angry Birds" - that is I finished the entire game not just a round of playing it - and decided that I had wasted enough time. Now it was time to....
...slowly fall over and take a nap on the couch. I slept for FIVE HOURS. As a budding therapist, I would diagnose myself with mild depression (if not a touch of Bipolar Mood Disorder given the highs I experienced for the last week or so). I finally woke up, went to the kitchen...and ate. That's right, ladies and gentleman. I found myself on the same life schedule as a 2-week old. Eat, sleep, poop, repeat. I felt like a miserable zombie. The memory of my glorious personal breakthroughs was nowhere to be found. I did have a brief moment...a window...when I was sitting in that dang Poang chair (you remember the one) staring at the TV and trying to decide what to eat next when I heard Geneen Roth's words from Women, Food and God: "What am I really hungry for? I don't really want food. What feelings am I trying to avoid?"
The answer came back quick and fierce: "Miserable loneliness and depression, you stupid cow! Now get out of my way. I can't see the TV and I'm late for my every-fifteen-minute trek to the fridge to sigh in disgust while selecting another thing to eat that will only make me feel worse."
That tirade was quickly joined by a chorus of: "YEAH! The good times rolled, all right. They rolled right on past like they always do and now we feel like crap so shut up and leave us alone!" ("us"? Who the heck is "US"? Of course, I didn't catch that at the time.) I finally went to bed at 2:30am feeling even worse than I had when I woke up.
This morning (Sunday), I was grouchy as ever. I deliberately walked through the office instead of the dining room to avoid speaking to my roommate. It wasn't his fault. I just realized I would just as soon dig his eyeballs out of his head with my fingernails and dance around the house screeching as say "good morning" to him. Staying away seemed like the nicest thing I could do for us both. Naturally, he came into the office and said, "good morning." I think I grunted something like, "One step closer and I'll peel your face like a banana and set your hair on fire." Only I think it came out, "mornin'". Either way, he got the hint and went back to the dining room.
I decided I had to get out of the house. Clearly, being in this space yesterday proved disastrous. It seemed like lunch out and some time reading in the library would help me escape the mood monster that had taken up residence in my mouth (if not my mind). I gathered my things and reluctantly told my roommate where I was going. He said he'd like to tag along to everything but the reading. I enjoy his company and thankfully the kinder part of me saw this as an opportunity to grab onto something positive to help pull me out of the rotten mood I was in. We headed out to lunch at my new favorite neighborhood cafe (Cherry House Cafe) and proceeded to order another artery-clogging meal (a staple on the M.U.C. diet plan) complete with a side of ranch dressing. Halfway through the meal I realized I'd been bitching and moaning about the wait staff since we walked in - not exactly the beaming recommendation that makes a friend want to return to a place. I finally tried to just make myself shut up.
As we finished lunch and I started making a grocery list, I decided on a personal goal for the week that really brought my feelings to a head. This week I intend to eat at home all week - no restaurants, no excuses. I immediately felt panicky and began to whine like a toddler. It was embarrassing and horrifying to realize that a grown, intelligent woman could be reduced to a whiny pile of brat at the mere suggestion of doing something she herself wants to do. How does this make sense? What the heck is wrong with me? What happened to the girl who sees her value and wants to be the amazing creature God made her to be? Why do I resist every positive step I try to take? Why don't I want to run with the same enthusiasm I've felt all week into the loving arms of better eating habits and saving money by not eating out? #$%&^#$)#&@$*!!!!!
I didn't have answers. I just grumbled. I grumbled as I created my shopping list. I grumbled through the grocery store. I grumbled as we filled our water jugs at the amazing water place (that isn't the poisonous orange mess that comes out of the tap at my house). I grumbled as I unpacked the groceries and headed to the computer. I grumbled as I started writing this blog. I grumbled when I saw my brother's number on the phone and I grumbled as I picked up the phone and said, "hello."
His voice sounded cautious. He asked what I was doing and I mentioned the blog. He replied, "Ah. You sounded introspective." What a nice way of saying, "Wow. Could you be less friendly when you answer the phone?" Thankfully, his voice and the stories he tells had the same effect they always do - I started to feel happy again. It was like the snarly monster had snuck out the back door while I wasn't looking. We talked briefly about the benefits of writing stuff down and how helpful it can be to just get stuff out of you. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe writing this blog and giving my snarly feelings a place to exist allowed me to let them go. Maybe my brother will start biting the heads off kittens because my "dark passenger" (as Dexter would call it) passed through the phone to him and away from me. Maybe the chemicals in my brain have shifted. Maybe the cookie I ate at lunch really is the magic cureall for my problems and eating one everyday will keep those feelings at bay.
I don't know where the misery came from or where it's gone. I only know that two things were different in this dark cloud than in those I've experienced in the past: (1) I noticed what was happening and took steps - though not perfect ones - to minimize the damage to others; and (2) I kept going. I didn't let the whining and crying over how much I hate the idea of eating at home alone all week stop me from buying healthy food at the grocery store and adding "no restaurants this week" to my list of weekly goals to share with my accountability partner tomorrow morning. The mood didn't win. It was there. I weathered it. Now I'm heading back toward the super-fantastic feelings I had last week. I'm not letting this stupid mood wreck the progress I've made. I'm not less of a person because I couldn't maintain perfect happiness everyday. My transformation isn't a failure because sometimes I'd rather kick a puppy than pet one. I just have to chain up the beast, wait for the full moon to pass and then return to polite society.
Two things I'll leave you with:
(1) I'm starting a new segment I'm calling "Check this out!" on the sidebar of my blog. Basically, I'm going to showcase new things I discover. Maybe I'll share it because it's super useful, maybe it will be ridiculous and just has to be seen by others, maybe it's completely cheesy and just deserves a good laugh. I think you'll like this week's discovery: "Wrench Mints. When your breath is broke...Fix It!" (seriously! I couldn't make that up.); and
(2) HELP ME! I have decided to eat at home this week and I hate eating at home. I hate feeling alone. I hate taking time to cook. I hate washing dishes. Still, I can't let all my excuses keep me from making healthier and less expensive choices. So PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE share any and every idea you've got for how I can survive this week. I'll take menu suggestions, recipes, hints & tips, songs to play while I eat, things to do to psych myself up each day, ANYTHING! Please share your ideas in the comments section below.
Thank you for reading and sharing in my journey. If you are a local friend, please don't let me invite you out to dinner this week. But if you'd like to come over I'd be happy to cook and we can eat at the table like humans (instead of in front of the TV like the people who are destined to be future contestants on "The Biggest Loser").
Very much still Under Construction!
~MUC
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Comments welcome...finally!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Somebody's Knocking...Should I Let Him In?
Monday, February 7, 2011
One, Two, Three, Four...I Declare Soul War!
"Ok!" I thought to myself...and probably said out loud since I was sitting alone in my car in the parking lot of a Skyline Chili listening to the end of the book before going in to feed my craving for cheese coneys and a 3-way. [I'm not a pervert. Look it up! Skyline Chili 3-way]
I read through the story again and really zeroed in on Jacob's plea: "Bless me!"
Monday, January 31, 2011
Anybody got a plunger?
Only the water at my house isn't clean!
Yes, folks, we have a blockage. To be more precise, a friendly Roto-Rooter man told me that for $2400 he could dig up and patch the hole that currently exists in the main sewer line about 85 ft. from my front door. I can tell you with certainty that it takes 8 days of conservative living to fill 85 ft. of sewer line to capacity. I can also tell you that there's only one way to know you've reached capacity. {See above photo...only imagine MUCH dirtier water.} I can also tell you that I don't have $2400.
My roommate, who has been an absolute blessing of patience during this whole fiasco, suggested we formulate some form of "Power Plunge" to blast through the sewer line blockage. I LOVE the idea. The City of Beavercreek? Maybe not so much.
Of course, the city used my call to the police to report an attempted break-in at my house as an opportunity to threaten to sue me because a piece of my fence had fallen under the weight of the snow and my pool was no longer properly secured. So maybe I wouldn't feel too bad if there just happened to be a giant sewer explosion on my street! I'm just certain they'd find a way to bill me for it. So we're on to find other solutions.
For those who wonder if God has a sense of humor, I offer up my current plumbing situation which just happens to coincide with my coming face-to-face with my own spiritual constipation. Oh...and I've had bronchitis. So I've literally had a life threatening blockage as the crud in my lungs has made it difficult to take in oxygen.
I'm finding relief of these personal issues is much less financially taxing than the plumbing problem but oh so much more expensive. To break through the spiritual and emotional blockage, I'm having to encounter and deal with all the "stuff" that I've carefully built up around my heart and mind. The mind stuff is the most surprising. Discovering that you keep people at bay because someone hurt your heart and you don't want to be hurt again isn't exactly a "Contact NASA! We've got news!" kind of discovery. Everybody has those kinds of protections in place. If you ever had a stupid boyfriend who decided he needed to break up with you right before summer because he was going to be working at the pool and there was a good chance the tramp in his neighborhood was going to be at the pool everyday so he needed to be free just in case she decided to prove her trampiness (and there was a good chance she was going to do just that), then you've wrapped your heart in bubble wrap and made sure that every boy since has paid the price for the lessons you learned from that first love. [Yes, Jason, I mean you!]
The most difficult blockage to break through are the stories I've built up in my mind to protect myself. See if any of these sound familiar (either because you know me and have heard me saying these things or because you've told yourself the same or something similar):
- I can't do this by myself. I need someone to help me.
- I prefer to work with other people. I don't like to work alone.
- I can't meet the demands that the "public" puts on me when I'm in a helping position.
- I don't know how to do it.
- I feel like it shouldn't be this hard.
- I know I've told former clients these things but somehow I can't seem to learn my own lessons.
- I don't really want to do it.
- I have all these great ideas. I just don't know how to make them happen.
Last week I had a MISERABLE night. I couldn't sleep. I had what I thought was gas pain, perhaps caused by dehydration (I had taken a LOT of cough syrup at this point and was desparately thirsty). I took all sorts of remedies for that problem (drugs, home remedies, prayer, you name it). The pain got so bad that I couldn't lie down for more than a minute at a time. The only way I found relief was to pace. I was also completely exhausted from having bronchitis and coughing til my muscles ached. I have never experienced another such miserable night.
Since I thought the pain was intestinal, I was doing everything I could to try to force the release of what I believed were air bubbles trapped in my abdomen. For hours, I stood in my bathroom wrapped in a sheet repeatedly falling against the wall trying to make something happen that would relieve the pain. I prayed for God to relieve my suffering. I prayed for sleep. I prayed for Him to stop the pain. I was furious that He wouldn't solve the problem I knew full well He had the power to make disappear without an ounce of effort on His part. I was furious that He would leave me there struggling, hurting, crying, calling to Him. I was especially perturbed because I'd been working through my feelings about Him (well, you know...you've read the earlier entry). I felt like I was putting all this work into our relationship and He wasn't even bothering to show up in my hour of need.
The next morning I went to the pharmacy. The minute the pharmacist asked, "How can I help you?" I fell to pieces. Her question reached the place inside of me that hurt the most. It was all I had hoped God would say to me all night long. It was exactly what I wanted to hear from everyone in my life. I wanted someone to help me. I was desparate for help. I was desparate for someone to stand beside me and do this whole life thing with me. I didn't want to have to live one more minute of one more day by myself. Afterall, I had done what I believed God wanted me to do. I admitted that I was powerless by myself. I admitted that I needed help. Isn't that the big fear we're all supposed to be fighting? The fear of reaching out and asking for help?
The pharmacist was lovely. She told me not to worry about the fact that tears were pouring out of my face like someone had knocked the cap off a fire hydrant. She didn't mind that my nose was running and my words came out with sobs as I gasped for breath and told her of my pain and asked for help. "Pedialyte!" She believed my self-diagnosis and suggested that a good rehydrating would give me the relief I desparately sought.
I drank nearly 2 gallons of Pedialyte. It's perfectly lovely stuff and if my problem had been dehydration I feel certain that Pedialyte would have done the trick.
I went home miserable, frustrated and convinced that God was done with me. I thought, as Ruth Graham once wrote, "Have I outsinned God's grace?" I was sure He had abandoned me and I was on my own. That's when I decided I might as well start solving some problems on my own since no help was on the way. I sat down at my desk, back still throbbing, and began to make phone calls. I called plumbers to get a 2nd opinion. Afterall, I still didn't have $2400. I called the mortgage company to talk about my current financial situation and the fact that their daily calls weren't going to help me come up with the January payment. I started facing every problem that I had been ignoring for fear that facing them was too much and I couldn't handle it.
Slowly but surely I began to feel better. My back was still hurting with that acute and agonizing pain that hadn't ceased for nearly 18 hours now, but I was feeling better. I was still coughing. The bronchitis hadn't let up. The plumbing was still overflowing. I still didn't have $2400. What was different? That's when I realized that I was feeling my own two feet underneath me. I was standing on my own. I wasn't lying around crying about how miserable life was and how weak and powerless I was. I was just handling it.
How irritating. So all my weeping and calling and crying to God had to be ignored because I was too stubborn or too encased in the stupid fear-filled self-talk to realize that I didn't need to be rescued? I had to be allowed to moan and wail and bellow about my complete inability to help myself before I would wake up and realize that leaning on God doesn't mean ignoring the natural abilities He has given me? How disgusting. I felt like I'd been flailing my arms and crying for a life guard only to discover that the water didn't even come up to my knees and all I had to do was stand up.
The back pain still persisted and I needed to find relief from the pain because it was something I truly couldn't resolve for myself. No amount of self-actualization was going to take the pain away. So I returned to the doctor who had prescribed the cough syrup that I believed had caused my dehydration and pains the night before.
"Sciatica!" he said.
"What?!?" came my incredulous reply.
"You don't have gas pain. There's no constipation. You have sciatica. It's a symptom of a more serious problem...which your regular doctor will have to help you discover and treat. But for now you need Vicodin."
"I'm sorry. WHAT?!?!?!?"
So I spent that entire night throwing myself against the bathroom wall, drinking olive oil mixed with orange juice, downing Mylanta and Gas-X and drinking gallons upon gallons of water to solve a problem I don't have?? Um.......MY PLUMBING ISN'T WORKING! That is to say the actual plumbing at my house is stopped up. This isn't exactly the time to discover that MY personal plumbing is not only working but is now fully loaded to work in overdrive. SON OF A *%&#$!!!!
So there I sat, having just realized that I've spent time, money, tears and physical pain trying to solve problems I don't even have. How can someone who is literally trained to help people discover their problems and work through them be so far off in her own diagnosis? Will I be denied my license if the Counselors Social Workers Marriage and Family Therapists Board discovers this major character flaw? Oh, wait. Does this classify as negative self talk?
I drove home, took 2 Vicodin and in 10 minutes was completely pain free. It was the most unbelievable shift from the unbearable emotional and physical agony I had felt for the last 24 hours to a feeling of pain free, energized, relieved bliss. I was stunned.
Why have I clung so tightly to the belief that I'm incapable? Why have I wanted so desparately for someone else to do everything with me if I'm perfectly capable of doing it on my own? Am I actually afraid of success? I always thought that was a cheeseball theory. Or am I afraid that discovering that I don't need to depend on someone else will mean that I never get to? Does being strong and independent mean that I don't get a spouse to share my life with because I have the capacity to handle it on my own? Do I have to be single because I can be? Do I get less of God's help because I need less of it? Will He leave me to struggle on my own because I can work it out? Does the squeaky wheel get all of the grease? Do those whiny, snivelly girls who act all dainty and helpless end up getting the men who want to take care of them? Does being strong and successful mean being alone?
As I floated in the sweet physical peace that Vicodin provided and grappled with the questions that the day's and week's experiences had raised, I decided to check the mail. My school loan had come through and the school sent me a check for the amount that exceeded what I needed to pay for classes. $1800. Or as I like to call it....75% of the way to sweet flushing freedom.
It's funny. Even though there's no water flowing around here, it sure does feel like I've just been given the world's biggest swirly!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Allegory of the Cave of my mind
~Socrates speaking in Plato's Allegory of the Cave
So much is happening in such a short period of time that I almost feel the need to write daily. I won't begin that habit because I don't want to overwhelm my followers (yes...both of you! LOL) and I don't want to create an expectation (even if I'm the only one who has it) of daily entries.
First, I've had a very odd sensation since I posted, "Hey, Thoroughbred, why the long face?" I found myself inexplicably drawn to talking with God. I have spent decades avoiding Him and putting off prayer until I felt too guilty to put it off any more...or going into prayer with a laundry list of "I know"s and "I want"s. I wasn't listening. I was pretty sure He wasn't listening. And I knew it should matter to me, but it only mattered that it never felt right. I felt like an outsider to a club with no idea how to find the secret door to even ask for entry. For these reasons, I was surprised to find myself eager to talk with God after that blog entry. It was as if I just needed to unload my grievances with Him before we could have an open dialogue. I still don't know exactly what He's doing or what He wants with me. I'm just going with the flow and accepting that I feel an urge to talk with Him. So I'm doing it and waiting to see what will happen next.
Second, today is the first full day without cable and KC (of KC Chronicles fame) went back to Cackalacky after a fun-filled weekend visit. I have some sort of horrible chest cold or pre-bronchial thing that a classmate was kind enough to bring to class last week. So I've been at home, wrapped up in various blankets, reading books, writing, researching, talking on the phone, eating, and occassionally thinking of what I could be watching on TV right now. I can tell you this has been the longest day I've experienced in a VERY long time. I feel like I've gotten a lot done and missed a lot all at the same time. I've found myself moving from task to task, unable to sit for much more than about 30 minutes at a time without looking for something else to do. I wonder if I'll get accustomed to the quiet and will eventually slow to a healthier pace...or if I'll go crazy and start hiding in the bushes and jumping out in front of oncoming traffic just to entertain myself. Again...remains to be seen.
Third, I've just taken a quiz I think you might find interesting. It outlines your character strengths. Here's the short version of my results:
Your Top Character Strength: Fairness, equity, and justice
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.
2nd Character Strength: Capacity to love and be loved
You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.
3rd Character Strength: Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.
4th Character Strength: Social intelligence
You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.
5th Character Strength: Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.
I was a bit surprised when I saw that justice, fairness and equity were my top character strengths. I didn't realize those things were so important to me. I've always said you should never ask for what you deserve (aka "justice") because you might just get it. And as a believer in Original Sin, I'm not looking for justice. I want grace and mercy. Justice is what lands you in eternal suffering.
So now I'm left to wonder what this means. I care about justice, fairness and equity more than anything else? Is that one of the reasons I'm so disappointed in the world? Is the apparent lack of justice and fairness just bumming me out to the point that I'm stuffing myself with food I don't want and all other manner of self-medicating just to escape the miserable facts of life? Ugh.
This is going to take some digesting. Please share your thoughts and comments!
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ALSO, here's where you can find the survey: http://viainstitute.org/. Just click on the red "Take the VIA Survey" box on the right side of the screen. I'd love to see your results. Please feel free to share the short version of your results in the comments section of this blog.
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